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2727 College Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705 Telephone 510-845-6830 Fax 510-845-6837 Scripture Readings: Psalm 112, Matthew 6:25-34 The thought manifests as the word. The word
manifests as the deed. The deed develops into habit. And the habit hardens into
character. So watch the thought and its ways with care. And let it spring from
love, born out of concern for all beings. Buddha I once had a job, which started out
pretty good but it soon started to not feel so good. A couple of things that were not in my control went wrong, and
they made my work much more difficult.
And of course, being less than perfect I surely made a few mistakes and
lacked complete wisdom and understanding for how to handle the job and the situation. Then my boss decided I would take the fall
for the problems around me, and to me that was more difficult to deal with than
the original problems. Being both sabotaged and criticized left me feeling
both anxious and depressed. My first
instinct was to quit, to bail out, to start looking for a different job. The
funny thing was that in the process of convincing myself that I needed a better
situation, I started to look for negatives and downgrade the value of the
positives that remained available to see.
At first this negative, judgmental attitude was
directed outward, toward the problems and problematic people around me. But soon it started turning inward, directed
at my self-esteem. I began to doubt my ability
to change my difficult life even if I changed location. Since I had all these personal problems,
they would certainly follow me even if I changed jobs. This is true. Our problems will follow us if
we don't deal with them. But the problem I was going to take with me was the
tendency to take credit for problems that were not my own. Sometimes there is
arrogance in our low self-esteem. So we pray, Lord, give me the courage to
change the things that should be changed, the grace to accept what cannot be
changed and the wisdom to know the difference. There is some truth in the notion that what you
think is what you get; negative thoughts and anxiety can become self-fulfilling
prophecy. Since I was anxious and
lacked confidence, I didn’t interview well, and I had even less energy and
enthusiasm for my current work. I
wasn’t getting another job. This was
even more depressing. I was praying
like crazy and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, no clear word from
God, or at least no word I really wanted to hear. And then there was the past. In trying to figure out my situation, I had
become hyper critical of the things that had already happened in my life, both
in my immediate work situation and the rest of my life, and even the
world. Either I was anxious about
proving the fault of what others had done, and proving my innocence, or I was
feeling guilty for things I felt were my fault; either that or I found proof of
my powerlessness in those past situation and then felt weak. I would look at a flower and see proof that
life is too short: from earth I came and to earth I shall return. At
that time I had struggled with my faith in God But looking back I can see how
God was both present and working in my life.
Not getting a job quickly eventually helped me face the fact that I was
where I was, at least for a while.
Slowly but surely, I stopped being so anxious about where I would be
tomorrow, and came back to making decisions about how I could be the best me
for today. Now that didn’t mean that I
stopped planning for tomorrow, just that I would only concern myself with those
plans for tomorrow that I could actually do something about today. And while in Church every Sunday someone should be
speaking the Gospel message, that we are forgiven for our sins, we sometimes
have trouble listening and believing.
Now depression is insidious, a self-fulfilling prophesy, certainly proof
that the devil is quite smart. For as
we find ourselves lacking in faith that God indeed forgives us, we then add to
our sense of guilt by feeling guilty for not having faith. Religion becomes a burden that brings us
down further and we start thinking it would be easier just to stay in bed, or
just go shopping, or surfing, or drinking, whatever. The devil then piles on: your lack of faith now
shows you never really had faith to begin with and surely then you never
will. And, if you don’t have faith,
then God is not real, and therefore…Hey, check out that BMW… and how about that
lady getting out of it? Now that is
real.” But what the Devil won’t say is
that quick vision of luxury and pleasure is not real at all; just the opposite:
they are a distraction from the reality of our own life. The Buddhists call this monkey mind; the anxious
jumping from one thought or fantasy or pleasure to the next. So back to the main point of the story and
the Christian faith: we are forgiven even for our lack of faith. The flip side is: neither are we responsible for our good faith. It is not about the proof of our good works
or faith, or our lack of it; it is about reality now. If we don’t have to justify our past or sell ourselves to some
future judgment, then we are free to live in the present. And living faith today paradoxically is what
frees us from the past sins and brings us smiling and strong into the future. If we are saved by grace from both the past
and the future, then the present meets the eternal. Eph. 2: [4] But God, who is rich in mercy,
out of the great love with which he loved us, [5] even when we were dead
through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ … [8] For by
grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own doing, it is
the gift of God -- [9] not because of works, lest any man should boast.
[10] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Not even our faith is ours to take credit for, to
feel guilty over or to pat ourselves on the back for. We cannot strong arm our faith, wrestle faith with our reason,
get a gold medal for faith or get thrown in the dungeon for our lack of
faith. We are forgiven for
everything. We don’t earn forgiveness,
not with good works nor with good faith.
We are forgiven whether we want to believe it or not. An amazing thing started to happen to me as God
began to pry into my wrecked car of an existence with Her jaws of life: I found
myself held by God as I grieved my powerlessness to prevent the drowning of my
baby nephew who had been named after me.
And my anger and resentment of others in my work situation started to
ease too. Ann Lammot, in her book Traveling Mercies tells the story of being angry at the mother of
her son’s friend for being too perfect.
She says this other mom was one of “These mothers who were always
cooking holiday theme-park treats for the class; they always drove the kids –
including mine – on their field trips, and they also seemed to read all the
papers the school sent home, which I think is actually a little show-offy. Also, it gave them an unfair advantage. They knew, for instance, from the first day
of school that Wednesdays were minimum days, with school out over forty five
minutes earlier than usual, and they flaunted it, picking up their kids at just
the right time, week after week.” After Anne discovered this mom had the audacity to
wear latex bicycle shorts and had a Ronald Reagan bumper sticker on her white
Volvo, and even dared to offer her advice on her son, she decided this woman
was a certain enemy. Anne writes, “I
thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they
would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.” Anne started to pray, to ask God to help her
out with this other mom. Slowly over
time she says, “God started to act like Sam-I-am from Green Eggs and Ham. Everywhere I turned were helpful household
hints on loving one’s enemies, on turning the other cheek, and on how doing
that makes you look in a whole new direction…In fact, not forgiving is like
drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die. Fortune cookies, postcards, bumper stickers,
everything but skywriting – yet I kept feeling that I could not, would not
forgive her in a box, could not would not forgive her with a fox, not on a
train, not in the rain.” She sees a sign on yet another mother’s refrigerator
that says, “’Forgiveness’ – as though God had decided to abandon all efforts at
subtlety and just plain nudge. The
clipping said that God is for giving, and that we are here for giving too, and
that to withhold love or blessings is to be completely delusional.” Anne continues with a brilliant telling of her road
to forgiveness, but you will have to join our new small group and read the book
to get the ending. Look soon for the
sign up. In the midst of my job struggles I began to see,
like Anne, that resentment and guilt can consume a lot of time and energy and
that God is for giving, and that we were made for giving too. Feeling forgiven for the past, I could
forgive those who had hurt me in the past, and start giving myself to thoughts
and actions of love and kindness in the present tense, despite the fact that in
that present my life was neither simple nor easy. And the odd thing was, that in receiving forgiveness
and being able to forgive, I was able to focus more thought and energy on good
things, and eventually, good things started to happen and the future started to
look bright. Though the situation
outside myself hadn’t changed all that much, though my resume stayed more or
less the same, I was able to present myself better, with more confidence, and I
found another job. I started to see in
flowers again not just their future withering, but their present color, and the
truth that something very small and powerless from the world’s point of view,
can give beauty and joy beyond even King Solomon in all his glory. Now my journey is not yours, and you may be in
another place today. Life has its up
and downs for all of us, but God’s grace is, was and ever shall be. God’s love is with you. God’s love is for you. God’s love is in you. God wants you to
thrive with joy. Rom. 5:1: Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace
with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. |